Dedicated to the friend I needed and now want, with love and thanks.
Think about the friends in your life.
Not the ones you go out with on a Saturday night, or message on facebook once a month.
I mean The friend(s).
The ones (or one) you call when shit hits the fan. The first people you think of when you need help or advice.
Now, out of those shortlisted, how many of them are willing to be the friend you need instead of the friend you want?
If you’re not sure what I’m referring to, I’ll use my perspective to describe them below:
The friend we want:
- make us feel better in the short term through validation of our problems/issues.
- will support us in any situation. When it’s time to hate the guy, they hate the guy. When it’s time to love him again, they get the memo. They will support you no matter how many times you change your mind.
- always focuses on the positives of your personality and usually finds a way to highlight everyone else’s flaws, suggesting most thing are never your fault.
The friend we need:
- might call us out in certain situations and highlight any selfish or sabotaging behaviour and thought patterns we’re displaying.
- supports us in our chosen experiences, but will remind us that we’ve changed our mind 14 times and that there’s obviously some deeper issues to reflect on. These friends will sometimes hold us to a higher standard than we hold ourself.
- will sometimes defend or show objectiveness towards someone that you blame for your problems and how you feel, encouraging you to reflect on your own behaviour.
You’ll know the difference between these friends because initially, one will likely piss you off, while the other will make you feel better.
So why on earth would we need a friend that sounds like a pretty mean person?
Well, ideally, you have some amazing Unicorn friends who are a perfect blend of what you need and want. Someone who can give tough love when its needed, but who recognises when you’re really down and can hold space for you there without challenging you.
However, if I had to choose and I could only have one or the other, I’d definitely make friends with more people who call me out on my bullshit – the friends I truly need. This isn’t a mean act – it’s a higher form of love and respect.
But, I didn’t always feel like this...
Having this type of friend took time and practice to appreciate. During my 20’s, I was not ready to face myself and my flaws – my shadow side – the parts of me I didn’t love… So it was hard to accept that someone I called a friend was highlighting these things to me through their objectiveness and wisdom.
Even more than that, I was hurt and angry with their behaviour for some time. It had a huge impact on our relationship. I thought they didn’t understand me anymore and was upset about it for years.
But when I started to do my own inner work and sat with the parts of myself that were a little less polished, cultivating some self awareness along the way – this friend became a priceless gift in my life.
This one friend had the courage to call me out and have difficult conversations, which ultimately helped me heal old patterns and beliefs. I noticed that the friends I wanted were actually encouraging my unhealthy behaviours and thoughts. They always had a way to justify how I was right, even when I was blaming others for my unhappiness.
Slowly, I started calling on my needed friend more often, becoming increasingly excited and grateful at the prospect of being challenged and learning something new about myself, over being right and feeling comforted.
I also noticed that over time, I started becoming that needed friend. The one that I initially couldn’t understand or value.
It began by speaking out and challenging my close friends about their experiences, inviting them to take more responsibility for their thoughts and feelings. I stopped saying things I knew they wanted to hear just to make them feel better temporarily. I challenged them to step into other people’s shoes.
Mind you, it hasn’t been a smooth journey. I’ve definitely had to work at finding a balance in saying too much, not saying enough and simply being there. It’s a work in progress!
Although they can be a pain in the a$$, we could all do with a few friends willing to be what we need. And no doubt many people in your life need you to be that friend!
It’s challenging at first…to be willing to see yourself in a different light, or to say unpopular things to people you care about – but the authenticity and growth that come as a result of these wonderful friendships is so worth it.
The world sure needs us to grow and evolve now, more than ever, so spend some time with friends who challenge you to be a better version of yourself !
Take care of each other!
Meli x
Photo by Greg Raines on Unsplas
Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash
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